These Relationship Narratives Are Actually Toxic — Here's Why
- Evie Howarth
- Feb 16, 2022
- 5 min read
Have you been given love advice that didn't sit right? It's probably toxic. Here's why.
There's lots of advice out there about how we should behave and what we should believe about relationships. More often than not, a lot of this advice derives from hidden expectations and mind games, which lead to disconnection from yourself and others.
We give these words of advice with all the best intentions, but they may be doing more harm than good.
And the more we question these narratives, the more we can rewrite them to form healthy relationships all-round.
Toxic relationship narratives
Here are some narratives to ditch and reframe for a better outlook on relationships.
Love is unconditional
Would you continue to love someone if they treated you poorly? Eventually, it would be a hard no. You'd certainly question why a loved one ever would.
All relationships are conditional at their core, especially when it comes to adult relationships. We love when we are shown love in return and all love is built from collaboration, not expectation.
A relationship should be easy
This grants permission to take or be taken for granted. No one wants to be in that place.
Even the most healthy and compatible relationships require effort from both sides to make it successful. This isn't always easy and there are bound to be obstacles both big and small along the way.
Humans are fundamentally flawed, so expecting things to be 'right' all the time is nothing more than a childhood fantasy cultivated by Disney films. We said what we said.
"If they love me then…"
Blaming your partner for your own unhappiness? This deflects the responsibility of your own emotions onto someone else, which is fundamentally toxic.
As adults, we have the power to take responsibility for our actions and take the steps to change our thoughts and feelings. By imposing them on our partners and bidding them to change for selfish reasons can resort to unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Wait until the third date to have sex
If the feelings and consent is there, then have sex whenever you want.
When you have sex won't determine the success of a relationship being formed. In fact, the 'waiting until the third date rule' is also ridiculous and the whole thing stinks of sex-negative beliefs.
If the other party slanders you for 'putting out' too soon, then they're not matching your energy.
You're also within your right to wait until you're ready. Whether that's at date 3 or date 13 and beyond.
We're advocates for talking about sex in the early stages. This will help you determine whether the other person is someone you want to form a relationship with.
Play hard to get
If you're trying to come across as 'cool' or 'chill' then just stop. Yes, there's a place for taking things slowly, but when this crosses over into deliberate acts of waiting days to respond or a 'treat them mean, keep them keen' narrative, then you're setting yourself up for failure.
Vulnerability is one of the many keys to true connection. And by withdrawing on purpose you create confusion, anxieties and disconnection. Instead, focus on being open and your true self.
It will happen when you least expect it
This narrative screams toxic positivity.
This is something said with the best intentions, sometimes to someone who appears hopeless. But really, it encourages them to stay put and not try to put themselves out there.
You can't form connections by staying still. Relationships happen when you are relating i.e socialising with people. Work on new connections and don't just sit idly by waiting for things to happen.
Don't make the first move
This narrative comes from a place of ego and pride which aren't always good. If you like someone, tell them. Want to kiss your crush? Ask for consent.
By holding yourself back, you derive yourself from forming a deeper connection. Forget the 'men should make the first move' crap and do what you want to do.
Mixed signals suck. If the other person is right for you, they'll reciprocate.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket
Why not? If you can't see yourself liking anyone else, or find it difficult to date more than one person at a time then surely putting your eggs in one basket is all you can do.
Whether you decide to only date this person or play the field doesn't matter. Go with your gut, form a deeper connection. If the eggs spoil, buy more eggs.
Never settle
Relationship green flags are all good and well, but there's no such thing as the 'right' person. Humans are fundamentally flawed and make mistakes. So 'settling' is just part of the parcel.
We obviously don't mean you should settle for someone who's outright awful to you. But we don't believe in shaming people who decide to 'settle down' early or whenever they feel ready.
Never go to bed angry
We get that anger is awful to experience, but making decisions when you're angry isn't wise.
Having a snooze can change our moods for the better, reset some of our emotions and provide us with a clearer head the next day to discuss things.
Does the thought of arguing until 3am when you're dreary and exhausted sound appealing? Probably not. So normalise time outs in arguments and agree to settle things when you're both somewhat rested.
Non-monogamy is better than monogamy
Every relationship dynamic, from monogamy to polyamory, all present their own benefits and work for different people. One dynamic isn't better than the other.
If you're having the benefits of one type of relationship shoved down your throat, but in your gut you feel it's best to stick to what you're doing then follow your own feelings.
Every type of relationship has its pros and cons, but only you and your partner should be writing the rules of your relationship.
"You made me feel…"
Nothing sounds quite like a blame shift than this. We get that people's words and actions can trigger responses, but ultimately, we feel what we feel. It can often bring up issues from our past.
Take responsibility for your feelings, communicate how you're feeling and what you need to feel better without blaming your partner.
Love yourself first
Self-love is quite the buzzword. We don't believe we have to love ourselves fully to allow someone into our lives. Sometimes, it's not the answer to our problems either.
Feelings are incredibly nuanced, and relationships can be the key to opening up acts of self love. Depriving ourselves of what we want just goes against this.
Self-love also falls under relational love. So while you're reciting your affirmations for loneliness and other self-love rituals, try focusing on a loving relationship with yourself and others simultaneously.
They're just bad at texting
This narrative justifies bad behaviour and lack of reciprocity. A lack of communication is also communication in itself.
If you're experiencing slow responses, ghosting, and being left on read when you know you don't like that, it's time to have a real conversation with yourself.
We don't mean you should cut them off right away, in fact, we encourage communicating your boundaries. But if you're having those boundaries crossed over and over again then it's time to make room in your life for people who'll actually respect them.
